Saturday, December 4, 2010

|You will never know|

If only you knew the way I truly felt inside.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I Need You.

I miss my best friend.

Don't get me wrong, I know he is still here.
It's just not like it use to be.
I feel so empty and lost, AGAIN.
Laughing and joking on the phone for hours.
Knowing that if one of us were having a bad day that we could come to each other.
It's not like that anymore. At all. Now we barely talk. We use to be at a point were we knew everything about each other. Now we are so distant. I don't want it to be like that. I miss you Alexis. A LOT.

Hated, when I know I am not.

I have my amazing sister, Telitha.
For real. I gots a lot of love for my sister.
She has been here for me when no one else was.

I just hate this feeling I have inside.
All this anger I hold inside, I try so hard to let pass and move on.
But, it just lingers back.

I have so much hate for so many people and I know I shouldn't.

My dad hurts me more and more everyday that he chooses not to talk to me.
It hurts that he didn't believe me when I was molested. His own daughter. It hurts that he acts like all the pain he caused me when I was younger doesn't exist. That I am trying to make the right decision and for some reason I need to know that he cares.But he doesn't. I am not fooled by anything.
I try to say I am going to guard my heart, but it doesn't work.

I miss my grandfather GREATLY.
I miss what my life use to be. I feel like I am going no where. Take one step forward to fall two steps backwards.

I just wish my grandfather could come back and make everything better .
Things would be so different if he was still here.

My family would still be a family. I would still be talking to my cousin, That I adore to death. Now it's nothing but a couple text now and than. They took something so important to me and ripped it right out of my hands. I love you Cassidy Garrett! One day maybe.

Grandpa, I miss our camping trips and adventures. I miss your laugh. I miss your anger. I miss you sitting at your spot at the table and us eating together. Watching western movies. I miss it all. I want it all back. I want to take care of you again. I want to get annoyed from rubbing your back for hours at a time. And yelled at for vacuuming wrong. I love you grandpa and only miss you more everyday. I want things to be healed. I want to be able to love Renae and Grandma again. Be a family again. I miss you so much grandpa. Rest In Peace. I'll see you soon, it's never goodbye.

Why grandma, why Renae, why brad? I don't understand. You guys treat us like we are dirt. I did nothing but try to help and ended up getting walked all over again and again. My heart broken. I can barely stand to look at you guys. It wasn't fair how you treated my mother. I understand now. I don't need you guys. I did what I did for my grandfather and I know he appreciated it. You guys will have to look him in his eyes one day.

I want my happiness back. Pure laughter.
Alexis, I Love You. I need you, please don't ever leave.
Telitha, I have to admit it. I am so scared that our relationship is going to end up like the rest. pleaase, I hope it doesn't. I Love you. I am here forever.
-you two are the most important people in my lives and I am so scared that something is going to happen. Please don't leave. I really do need you guys.

I have realized in the last couple months, I do believe in love. I just don't want too. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I just want to be loved. I wanna know I am loved.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Segura Family :)

This entry is personally for the Segura family.

I really do not know how to start it out. But, here it is. Let me start with my best friend, Alexis Segura :) This boy is amazing beyond words. It's about 9 or 10 years that we have been friends. Watched each other grow into amazing people and continue to grow. As we continue to grow and become independent people we have really put strain on this friendship but I will not allow us to separate or lose contact. He is just an amazing person, has beeen there for me through all the drama and everything. EVERYTHING. Even though sometimes, it has been extremely hard he has managed to stay and show that he does care. Really, Him and his family have been going through a hard time and I just want it to get better. His family is so incredible. He tells me today he might move to Colorado with his cousin. First instinct was NO. You can't.. That was me being selfish, thinking about myself. I took a step back and realized he needs to do what is going to better himself. What is going to make him happy. Though I would miss him very much, It is time for him to start doing what is best for him. Alexis, you deserve to be happy and not the pretend happy. I love you enough to know that if you decide to move, that is going to make you a happier person. You are truly my best friend and I just want you to finally be the person you want to be. I love you.

To Yolie, Kassandra and Frankie;; You have made me feel like family more than my own family. I do believe that these days of hurting will pass and you guys will see the best in the worst of what has happened. I know you guys are strong and the love you guys share between each other is out of this world. Although you guys may bump heads with each stay strong and love each other with all you guys have. I just know. It will get better. always overlook the negative and let the positive overpower everything. You guys are just such an amazing family, I am completely at a loss for words in explaining how important you guys are. Stat strong, you guys are beautiful people. Just remember; it's not be like this forever. The rain will clear up, sooon to be sunshine :]

Okay. Now that that is said. :) This family is extremely important to me. I don't like seeing them upset and hurt. I have been here, I promise it will get better.

I love you guys!
Stay awesome!

ALEXIS; i love you, regardlessssssss. you are my best friend. I don't care about our little fights we get in. I don't care who comes into my life. you will continue to be amazing. PROMISE.
You neeeeed to do what you think is best for you! It's time for you to be completely happy fooool :) Alright, ii think I am donnnnnnnne.

"Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by..."

Monday, June 21, 2010

Tiimme and the channnges :]

Okay, I finally decided to get back into this blogging thing again. It is very needed. A lot has changed in the last year. It is so crazy. Well, here it is.

I am now living with my amazing sister, Telitha. I was once again 'kicked out' by mother. This time though, i am not moving back home. Man, I have had so much drama. Sometimes I just think the world is caving in around me, but than I realize the amazing people I do have in my life.
After I moved out of my mother I pretty much cut contact with the rest of my family. They are so much more drama than I need right now. They have proved time and time again that they don't need me, only when its convenient for them. I'm done with that bullshit. So instead of continuing down that road of nowhere I risked the chance of moving in my sister, and the only reason I say that is because of what I was going through than,

Let me tell you, best decision in my life. I am now gaining a relationship with my sister that I have never thought would happen. She has proven to me that she does love me and accepts me for who I am and doesn't expect me to be something I am not. She is opening my eyes to different kind of feelings. Trying to show me there is love in this world. I do not believe in love and though she is continuing to show me, it is still going to take time. I am just so happy that my sister gave me the chance. I am in absolute amazement at how my life is finally coming together and the friends that have been made through this part of my life.

I need to give them a little credit.
Julius; When I first met this man I would have never thought of him being like this. Hilarious, who would've known. Now, we are great friends. We laugh constantly and joke about everything. I just couldn't see my life without him. He doesn't even realize it but he has made things a lot easier with what has been going on. Cheering me up, when he knows I am down. Simple things, that he doesn't even realize. He may say he is an asshole, but he is amazing. So, thanks Julius, even though you may say this 'gay'. hah FUCK YOU, Pork Chop! hahha

Mookie&Marnier; These two guys are amazing too. Really, i don't even know what to say. Even though mookie has had his ignorant times. He is still really funny and a joy to be around. Marnier, is really amazing. such a gentleman. So funny and accepting. I am so happy these three men came into my life. They have only made it better.

BUT, a super thanks to my sister because without her opening her doors to me I would not have met any of them. Telitha you are such an amazing person. I am at a loss for words when I try to express how important you are to me. You have shown me you love me regardless of what happens. You took a chance on your relationship with our father for me. Something that has been fought for for yeaaars. You have went beyond in making me feel accepted here. You are such an amazing person and deserve nothing but the best.

I have been through so much in the last couple years and still frown at what has happened. But, day by day things seem to be getting better. I still miss my grandfather so much. So so much. But everything happens for a reason and I am trying to slowly accept that. I feel like I am rambling, but there is so much I want to say.

I miss my family so much, and I feeel so forgotten. They have hurt me so many times and I feel like my life is better off without them, but they haven't even tried to contact me or anything. I am completely nonexistent to them. I have no relationship with my mother nor father. Sometimes I feel so alone. I know I am not, but I can't help but feel that way sometimes.

Okay, now I know I am rambling, but I have one more thing to say.
My best friend is going through an extremely hard time right now. I just want him to know I am here for him, but needs to understand just as he is going through stuff so am I. I want to help, but it's like he doesn't allow it. We use to be so close. Time as made our relationship so strained. I miss the times we had and the laughter we shared, But it has changed so much. It is hard, really. Now that I have other people in my life, we don't talk as much as we use too. It just sucks. He means so much to me and has been there through everything. He is an amazing person and deserves to be happy and if I am keeping him from it than this is the best than. I just pray that his family gets through this together and soon see the happiness that will come in future days. You guys are amazing and deserve the best. Alexis, don't think that you don't mean anything to me know, you are a awesome person. Love ya.

Okay, I am finally going to end this. I know this entry is everywhere. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
Thank you to every person that is in my life right now.

*those are just a few, you guys are great!
Okkkkaaaaay! Bye!