Saturday, August 7, 2010

I Need You.

I miss my best friend.

Don't get me wrong, I know he is still here.
It's just not like it use to be.
I feel so empty and lost, AGAIN.
Laughing and joking on the phone for hours.
Knowing that if one of us were having a bad day that we could come to each other.
It's not like that anymore. At all. Now we barely talk. We use to be at a point were we knew everything about each other. Now we are so distant. I don't want it to be like that. I miss you Alexis. A LOT.

Hated, when I know I am not.

I have my amazing sister, Telitha.
For real. I gots a lot of love for my sister.
She has been here for me when no one else was.

I just hate this feeling I have inside.
All this anger I hold inside, I try so hard to let pass and move on.
But, it just lingers back.

I have so much hate for so many people and I know I shouldn't.

My dad hurts me more and more everyday that he chooses not to talk to me.
It hurts that he didn't believe me when I was molested. His own daughter. It hurts that he acts like all the pain he caused me when I was younger doesn't exist. That I am trying to make the right decision and for some reason I need to know that he cares.But he doesn't. I am not fooled by anything.
I try to say I am going to guard my heart, but it doesn't work.

I miss my grandfather GREATLY.
I miss what my life use to be. I feel like I am going no where. Take one step forward to fall two steps backwards.

I just wish my grandfather could come back and make everything better .
Things would be so different if he was still here.

My family would still be a family. I would still be talking to my cousin, That I adore to death. Now it's nothing but a couple text now and than. They took something so important to me and ripped it right out of my hands. I love you Cassidy Garrett! One day maybe.

Grandpa, I miss our camping trips and adventures. I miss your laugh. I miss your anger. I miss you sitting at your spot at the table and us eating together. Watching western movies. I miss it all. I want it all back. I want to take care of you again. I want to get annoyed from rubbing your back for hours at a time. And yelled at for vacuuming wrong. I love you grandpa and only miss you more everyday. I want things to be healed. I want to be able to love Renae and Grandma again. Be a family again. I miss you so much grandpa. Rest In Peace. I'll see you soon, it's never goodbye.

Why grandma, why Renae, why brad? I don't understand. You guys treat us like we are dirt. I did nothing but try to help and ended up getting walked all over again and again. My heart broken. I can barely stand to look at you guys. It wasn't fair how you treated my mother. I understand now. I don't need you guys. I did what I did for my grandfather and I know he appreciated it. You guys will have to look him in his eyes one day.

I want my happiness back. Pure laughter.
Alexis, I Love You. I need you, please don't ever leave.
Telitha, I have to admit it. I am so scared that our relationship is going to end up like the rest. pleaase, I hope it doesn't. I Love you. I am here forever.
-you two are the most important people in my lives and I am so scared that something is going to happen. Please don't leave. I really do need you guys.

I have realized in the last couple months, I do believe in love. I just don't want too. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I just want to be loved. I wanna know I am loved.